Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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