rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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