At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
