last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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