new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
