I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
