I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
