i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
