No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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