i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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