What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
