Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
