i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
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Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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