I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
