i may or may not be watching the land before time
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
