I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
