Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Randomize
