DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
