i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
