So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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