Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
this is an emotional support booty call
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
