my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
