dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
