there's paper in my vomit.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
not ubering you a puppy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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