He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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