When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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