We named our party play list daddy issues
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How naked do you want me to be?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
