***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
