do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
