I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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