His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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