All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
