And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Randomize
