I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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