For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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