I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
