he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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