so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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