I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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