She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
