I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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