On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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