remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
