I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
