can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
