i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm always down for nudity.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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