I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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