I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
