I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
