Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
