I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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