we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
