We just shotgunned beers for America
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
