I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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